Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Dont go this weekend. ele4phant Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. lets_be_honest IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. The rest of the time he spent with me. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. I have a friend whose husband is like this. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Red_Lady Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Plan a trip to visit your family. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. That an entire day together isnt enough? but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Two things.. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Then you need a different boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. CottonTheCuteDog Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. A picnic in the park? But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Is this normal? And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Five months later I was pregnant. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Im in the same boat. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? ?? You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Dont people like to do things in their cities? At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. All Im saying is be careful. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. This is her perception. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. how do we divide furniture? They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. I am afraid for humanity. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. LW real advice. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. What way would you not want it to be? The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Im torn. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Its weird. Which is totally fine for you. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Laura Hope ele4phant They are content with the status quo. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. What about visiting your parents? I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? ReginaRey Okay okay. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. Haha. Yes, this. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. when it comes up we just talk about it. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Are you far away from your own family? It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. At best, you will an appendage to his family. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. which i think is what youre saying. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? Its time for him to grow up. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Thats on you. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Those conversations should have happened before. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Lemongrass It doesnt scream big problem to me. maybe im misunderstanding you. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. LW, you are not being unreasonable! But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Friends of her own? Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. I love girls night out. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Laura Hope I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I agree. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? Laura Hope Its not weird to them. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. 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